…..or why writing letters destined for the scrap heap, may just save your career, friendships and marriage.
I’ve started writing letters again. As much as my limbs aren’t quite so used to scribbling as they were before the advent of the keyboard, there is nothing like a blank piece of paper, absent of distracting pings and pop-ups, for me to formulate my thoughts.
Only these days I don’t write letters to my long-distance friends, family or pen-pals. I write letters destined for the trash can. In spirit, they are destined for people who may have hurt me, treated me unfairly, rejected me or insulted me. Through the process of writing these letters, I address my emotions, confront my antagonist and – this is the hardest part – I make every attempt to empathise with their actions.
Why don’t I send them? Because often enough, the mere act of going through this simple process brings me inner peace and it helps me to plan a constructive discussion that is often much better had in person and is likely to yield much better results.
So what is this quick and foolproof approach?
Step 1: Address what you’re really feeling
Snow. To the average European or American, that one word suffices. Snow is white, cold, falls from the sky, is a huge inconvenience to traffic, and the foundation of some of the most expensive sports known to man. To an Eskimo, that one word is desperately inadequate, because snow is such a fundamental part of their lives, that they need to differentiate between snow on the ground, falling snow, drifting snow, wet snow, dry snow……you get my point.
You can apply the same logic to emotions. We all too freely say “I was furious today. Dave stormed into the room, whilst I was delivering my presentation, and completely de-railed the discussion. He ruined everything!”
Were you really furious? It helps to distill your initial hurt or anger into the real reason why you are upset. If a colleague interrupts the executive presentation that you’ve spent hours preparing, and days building up towards, with a passing comment that sends the entire room spinning into a wasteful rathole, of course you’re angry. In reality however, you feel much much more. You’re frustrated at the loss of control. You’re panicked at the prospect of cramming 45 minutes of content into 15 minutes. You’re disappointed that a trusted colleague has demonstrated such a lack of respect for your position and your feelings. You feel rejected, since your content and your point of view is clearly considered less important than the discussion in the room. You feel unfairly treated, because you weren’t give the right conditions to deliver your very best. Worst of all, you feel that you aren’t good enough.
Tony Robbins advises people confronting the truth to “See it as it is, not worse than it is”. Be honest with yourself, identify those deeper emotions, but be mindful of giving negative meaning to things. Try to stay factual.
Step 2: Lay out the facts
Now it’s time to confront your antagonist. What actions resulted in these feelings that you laid out above? At what moment did you feel disrespected, for example? You can build up a simple list of action and reaction.
- You walked in and interrupted – I felt disrespected
Note the very deliberate use of the words “I felt“. Were you to say “You walked in, interrupted and disrespected me”, that leaves a very different flavour in the antagonist’s mouth. Under attack, he or she will say “I did no such thing. You’re being ridiculous!” Feelings, unlike facts, are much harder to debate.You are clearly laying out the meaning that you gave those actions, but you give your antagonist the chance to say “I’m sorry you feel like that, but I never meant it that way”.
Build up a short list of these actions and reactions, and then identify the dominant one or two. Which issues are worth confronting?
But we’re still not quite there. How would the “villain” of our story, Dave, react if he were confronted with a long list of affronts and the corresponding flurry of feelings that this resulted in? He would most probably feel defensive, and after the second or third issue, you’ve lost him. Worst case – he’d start going on the attack. So how do we get Dave on our side?
Step 3: Empathise
I just referred to Dave as the villain of our story. Was he really? Why did Dave interrupt the meeting? Did Dave have the slightest clue that you had prepared for this moment for the last 3 weeks? Were there perhaps some good and positive intentions behind his actions? What if you put yourself in his shoes for a few seconds?
“Dave – I know you haven’t seen Carla for ages, and you just wanted to pop in and say “Hi”, but….”
“Dave – I know you had an urgent fire-drill and you needed data from Carla, but…..”
I personally find, the moment I start to empathise with my antagonist, the emotion starts to die down. The person that I feel is always trying to take things over, is often just trying to support me. The person that snaps at me for no reason, may have just had some really bad news. The person who has just arrived late, may have just sat in heavy traffic for 30 mins, pounding the wheel in frustration. It is rarely about us, and yet it’s our nature to personalise everything.
Try to forgive.
Step 4: The improvement plan
This step may turn out to be completely unnecessary, but sometimes it helps to suggest an alternative behaviour. In my example, how would we like Dave to behave differently next time?
The end result
I often compare the two interactions before and after I write my letter. Fuelled with emotion, the confrontation could be something along the lines of…
“Dave, I was furious with you earlier. You just stormed in and ruined the presentation that I’ve spent 3 weeks preparing. You have no idea how disrespectful and inconsiderate you can be sometimes.”
As much as Dave knows exactly how you feel, and your emotions are perfectly justified, you’ve gained nothing, and indeed, you may have just damaged trust with a colleague that can never be repaired.
Now let’s look at the confrontation after the letter.
“Dave, I’m sure you sensed I was angry with you earlier. I can’t expect you to know that I had prepared 3 weeks for that presentation, and I know you just wanted to pop in and say “Hello!” to Carla, but that derailment cost me 30 minutes. I felt so panicked and disrespected by you at that moment. Can I suggest that you double-check with the presenter next time, whether it’s appropriate to jump in, because you can really derail a discussion and upset people without intending to.”
How is Dave likely to react now? Are we more likely to get an apology and perhaps even a change in behaviour in future? Maybe, but most importantly you’ve confronted him with your feelings and your suggestion for improvement without doing any damage to an otherwise healthy relationship.
Take any situation that’s bugging you right now, and try it out. Does writing your “letter for the trash can” help you figure out how you can confront it? I’d love to hear your feedback.
