I observed something several times at work today that made me instantly want to put pen to paper. I was inspired by so many colleagues who are working parents, often single parents, who juggle jobs, maintain a home, even have children with disabilities and in so many ways they are simply EXCELLENT. They are productive, effective, authentic and simultaneously vulnerable, warm and a pleasure to work with. How do these amazing individuals keep their warm and sunny countenances, despite the demands of modern life? Boundaries.
I work for a company, with a truly wonderful, inclusive and diverse culture, yet it carries a reputation of taking its pound of flesh. I simply can’t agree. There are many things we can’t control – weather, traffic, other people, even our partners and children, but boundaries are not one of them. If someone schedules a call at 7pm? “Sorry, I’m with my children at this time, can we reschedule to another day or a more suitable time?”. I block time in my diary for sport, stillness, coaching and sometimes even meals, when things get a little hectic.
I didn’t always used to be that way. I had a global role at a large tech company and started to allow 9 or 10pm calls. Once it was clear that I was willing to go late into the evening, the invites started arriving for 10pm, 11pm, even midnight. I burnt out and I left the company blaming the company, the culture and the managers who let this happen. I started a new role – and boom! – the same happened again.
I then noticed how other happier, more balanced colleagues set boundaries. No calls after 6pm, no meetings after 4pm on a Friday, blocking whole mornings to concentrate on admin, going offline to work intensively on a document……they were productive, but NEVER less valued. Quite the opposite, I was full of admiration for them. Fine – I admit it – I was jealous.
I also noticed another thing. They simply said “I’m sorry, I’m not free at this time.” Whilst I would be at pains to justify why I had to miss something – usually needing at least 3 paragraphs, I gladly believed that my more confident and less verbose colleagues were in high-powered meetings – certainly not in the pub or making a chicken korma. I was willingly opening myself up to the judgement of others for no reason!
I recently took on a mentee, who is in his first year at Amazon. I asked him if he struggles with anything. His answer wasn’t surprising to me – “Work life balance – but I’m really lucky that my management cares about this and looks out for me.” He is lucky indeed, but he should never assume this is a given. I told him never to rely on anyone else externally to find work life balance, since it only resides within oneself. Ohmmmmm.
No, seriously – I set him a project. I told him to refuse any meeting that he felt encroached on his boundaries and say “My apologies, but I have an external commitment at this time.” I’m sure he’s questioning whether he took the right mentor, because he’s not comfortable with pushing back at this stage in his career, but just imagine if he learns how to do this in his mid-twenties. Just imagine, if he’s balanced and confident when his first child arrives and he is able to set boundaries and be home for the most special years of his children’s lives.
What if lots of wonderful young men felt secure enough to say “No” to evening meetings, because they want to be with their friends, families and do things they love outside of work? Wouldn’t young mothers feel more secure to set boundaries, because men are too?
That – for me personally – is equality. When men and women of all ages and ethnicity can be vulnerable, set boundaries and not fear the consequences, because we all have lives outside of work. We all need time for our friends, our families, our interests and just being still – because that is when we have our best ideas, tune in to our intuition and be the best versions of ourselves that we can be.
